Lonnie Childs

Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

By now you’ve probably already seen the news that former sandwich icon, Jared Fogle, of the famed Subway fast food chain is about to plead guilty to allegations that he possessed illegal child pornography. Prior to this revelation, Fogle had been mum about his level of guilt in the Jared […]

by August 18, 2015 3 comments Celebrity, Lonnie Childs
The only known authorized photo of 'The Shaming'

Lonnie Childs To Sue HBO Over ‘Game Of Thrones’ Scene

Brother Lonnie Childs is seeking damages after the heathens at HBO have reportedly bastardized a “reenactment” of a private Lonvidian custom in their hit series Game of Thrones. The episode in question, the “season finale” of Season 5, entitled ‘Mother’s Mercy’, features a scene with the character Cersei that would […]

by August 1, 2015 14 comments Lonnie Childs
BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Gets Masturbator Hulk Hogan Banished From WWE

BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Gets Masturbator Hulk Hogan Banished From WWE

STAMFORD, CT (SMN) — Word has spread quickly tonight that World Wrestling Entertainment has purged former “Superstar”, Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea from their entire website and have also removed him as a judge on their weekly reality show ‘Tough Enough’. That has been much speculation on what would cause the […]

by July 24, 2015 6 comments Lonnie Childs
Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

SMNNN (WASHINGTON D.C.) Weather.com reports rain and thunderstorms in the Washington D.C. today, following the landmark decision by the Supreme Court to recognize gay homosex marriage and queerosexual unions, and to disobey the Lord and his holy wishes, ultimately ushering in the Rapture, signifying the beginning of the end of […]

New Trend of “Masturdating” Threatens Our Way of Life

New Trend of “Masturdating” Threatens Our Way of Life

U.S.A- SMNNN The sickening and immoral trend of reprobate pro-mastubation troglodytes of The United States, #1 country of all time, of “masturdating” has infected our population, like one of the various plagues that were predicted to accompany the End of The World Masturbation Apocalypse. Masturbators, long proven by our forces, […]

Lonnie Childs Succeeds In Getting Iggy Azalea Tour Canceled

Lonnie Childs Succeeds In Getting Iggy Azalea Tour Canceled

Lonnie Childs has done it again! Word has come down from Iggy Azalea’s management that her ‘Great Escape’ tour has been officially canceled. The alleged rapper, Azalea, has long been considered a tool of the entertainment division of Big Masturbation. “Big Masturbation has used pop stars and singers as means […]

by May 30, 2015 5 comments Lonnie Childs
Are All Internet Trolls Masturbators?

Are All Internet Trolls Masturbators?

B.L.U.F.F CAMPOUND (SAFFORD, AZ) Workers at the B.L.U.F.F Campound and Uranium Mines in Safford, Arizona announced today that they have proven that all internet trolls are horrible, Godless, masturbating, heathens. In an exhausting study of internets around the globe, a 16 year inquiry finally ended with the unfortunate suicide of […]

by May 29, 2015 5 comments B.L.U.F.F., Compound News, Lifestyle, Lonnie Childs
STOP Masturbation NOW Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket® Successfully Deployed At Arizona Juvenile Detention Center

STOP Masturbation NOW Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket® Successfully Deployed At Arizona Juvenile Detention Center

Lonnie Childs received great news over the weekend when the Graham County Juvenile Detention Center in Safford, Arizona delivered the results of a three-month study on the effectiveness of the Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket®. According to spokesman Dennis E. Cross of the GCJDC, “We found Mr. Childs’s jackets were of great benefit to […]

by May 11, 2015 33 comments Lonnie Childs
Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

Superbowl winning superstar quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Tim Tebow has been convicted of first degree murder and sentence to life without parole.  Brother Lonnie has called for the public to withhold judgment until all the facts are known.  In his statement Brother Lonnie cautioned against judging God’s favorite white […]

3 Simple Ways To Be A Man

3 Simple Ways To Be A Man

I’ve met a lot of men over the years that claim to be “real men” but none have compared to Brother Lonnie Childs. I was able to briefly meet Brother Lonnie during a faith conference in Phoenix, Arizona in late 2014 and He made my fledgling writing career by allowing […]

by April 9, 2015 16 comments Lonnie Childs
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