Self-Rape Prevention

A Jam Band Masturbation-orgy recruitment flyer.

“Jam Band”: A Rising Problem

      WATERTOWN CT (SMNNN) “ …every song the Grateful Dead wrote was about masturbation, Satan or fornication! Some lyrics: ” Born in the jungle, raised in the lions,den. Numba one occupation, stealin’ wimmens from dey mans.”- One of their songs TRANSLATION: I am a sub-human beastophile. My job […]

Thinking of self-raping in the bay? Think again, shark-food!

Sharp Rise in Deaths As Sharks Attack and Eat Masturbators

EAST COAST- U.S.A (SMNNN) An unprecedented increase in various species of sharks attacking and eating people, is most likely caused by masturbation, Faithscientists say. This year, dozens of people on the East Coast have been attacked and/or eaten by sharks, and until recently, nobody had even the slightest clue why. […]

by July 28, 2014 33 comments Death, Science, Self-Rape Prevention, Weather
Introducing Masturbators Anonymous: The 12 Steps

Introducing Masturbators Anonymous: The 12 Steps

-Stop Masturbation NOW, Safford, AZ Increasingly, masturbation is being seen as the sinful addiction disease that it is, and recovery programs across the world are being created to address the needs of the self-rapists who are destroying their lives as well as the lives of their families. To this end, […]

Coming Soon To A Campus Near You – Self-Rape Whistle

Coming Soon To A Campus Near You – Self-Rape Whistle

Dr. Paul Horner, a sociology professor at BYU and has just thrown down the gauntlet in the war against self rape with his new invention. He has designed a ‘Self-Rape Whistle’ to help protect today’s youth against the constant barrage of temptation. “The idea is simple” says Dr. Horner. “Whenever […]

by July 25, 2014 49 comments Morals, Self-Rape Prevention
SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

Parents, Do you ever lie awake at night worrying your children are masturbating? I know I sure did, that was until I started tucking my 23 Same Race Normal Children to bed safely wrapped up in the Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”. Now I can rest assured that my boys will […]

Parents around the world are waking up to the fact that pornographics can be found on the World Wideweb (www)

“Pornography? On MY SON’S Computer?”

**BREAKING MASTURBATION ALERT** Parents, it has recently come to my attention that pornograpics, i.e., explicit sexual material, can be found on the World Wideweb (www).  Have you ever wondered what your son is doing whenever you are not around?  Chances are he is locked away in his bedroom, self-raping to […]

Explosion at B.L.U.F.F. Graphcenter Kills Two

Explosion at B.L.U.F.F. Graphcenter Kills Two

  SAFFORD, ARIZONA. B.L.U.F.F GRAPHCENTER (SMNNN) A terrible explosion ripped it’s way across the B.L.U.F.F Graphcenter at 2:32 a.m. on July 20th, 2014, killing two interns and wounding dozens. The B.L.U.F.F Graphcenter, state of the art graph production center, is the most expensive graph production facility in the world. Officials […]

Lonnie’s Followers Use Weird Trick to Achieve FaithGasm

Lonnie’s Followers Use Weird Trick to Achieve FaithGasm

  SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Here at Stop Masturbation Now, we eschew the practice of ejaculatory orgasm as a wasteful and sinful release. Our mission is to educate you of its negative physical and spiritual consequences. Ever since Onan spilled his seed upon the ground, men have been shooting putty with […]

The Top 5 Things You Need To Tell Your Child About Masturbation

The Top 5 Things You Need To Tell Your Child About Masturbation

-Safford, AZ Masturbation is a terrible disease and a depraved, sinful act. The below are critical “tips” for parents of any age. As we know, children may begin to explore their sin zones and masturbating at any age- watch them. Watch them closely. You never know when Satan enters your […]

Police Endorsed Anti-Masturbation Program Nets Incredible Results

Police Endorsed Anti-Masturbation Program Nets Incredible Results

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — (SMNNN) Borrowing from a popular anti-prostitution program in Phoenix, Arizona, the Safford, Arizona police department has started Project L.O.N.N.I.E. in an attempt to get masturbators off the streets. Project L.O.N.N.I.E. (Leading Outlaw Non-Normals Into Enlightenment) was ushered in when Lonnie Childs of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith […]

by July 17, 2014 21 comments Self-Rape Prevention
Help Stop Masturbation Now!
Get the latest content first.
We respect your privacy.