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Theme Park Roller Coaster Catches Fire, Collapses; Masturbation Likely Cause

Theme Park Roller Coaster Catches Fire, Collapses; Masturbation Likely Cause

In yet another incident of “roller jerking“, the Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain park in Valencia, California received major fire and structural damage on Monday. Although the park was closed at the time, speculation is that an extreme tier masturbator snuck into the park and walked up to […]

by September 8, 2014 14 comments Trending
‘Mile High Club’ Masturbation Feat Goes Awry

‘Mile High Club’ Masturbation Feat Goes Awry

Officials speculate that an attempt to join a fictional ‘club’ of masturbatory achievement has led to a small plane crashing off the coast of Jamaica on Friday. Many details are still unknown, however it is now confirmed that the doomed flight left Rochester, New York this morning and became “unresponsive” […]

by September 7, 2014 46 comments Death, Trending
Cee Lo Green Apologizes For Tweets About Rape; Meant To Use Prefix “Self”

Cee Lo Green Apologizes For Tweets About Rape; Meant To Use Prefix “Self”

Thomas Decarlo Callaway (aka – Cee Lo Green), the once relevant singer/songwriter perhaps best known for his hit song “Let’s Stay Together” has been under fire after having a series of tweets on his official Twitter profile taken out of context. The tweets by Green were a strange set of messages […]

by September 4, 2014 15 comments Celebrity, Trending
New Report: John Denver Crashed Aircraft While Masturbating

New Report: John Denver Crashed Aircraft While Masturbating

PACIFIC GROVE,CALIF. — This week, forensic investigators announced that 53-year old singer-songwriter John Denver lost control of his light aircraft while masturbating, causing the plane to crash into Monterey Bay, Calif. 17 years ago. The case, which had been closed several years ago following an inconclusive investigation of Denver’s airplane […]

Anti-Masturbation Victory; Kari Byron To Leave ‘Mythbusters’ ScLIEnce Show

Anti-Masturbation Victory; Kari Byron To Leave ‘Mythbusters’ ScLIEnce Show

Discovery channel scLIEnce program, “Mythbusters”, took a controversial step by firing three cast members, including masturbator favorite Kari Byron. The official version of the story given by the network and the cast members was that the show will be “going in a new direction” next season. Fans of the scLIEnce […]

by August 24, 2014 16 comments Celebrity, Trending
TSA Backscatter Scanners Successful In Reducing Masturbation

TSA Backscatter Scanners Successful In Reducing Masturbation

A two-year study by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow found that the TSA Backscatter Anti-Terrorist Scanners not only kept America safe but also reduced the urge to masturbate in those travelers zapped by the machines. Faith Researcher and spokesman Paul Nelson explains, “We followed travelers that went through the Backscatter […]

by August 23, 2014 7 comments Politics, Trending, World
“The Simpsons” Marathon Begins; Masturbation Rates Immediately Drop 25%

“The Simpsons” Marathon Begins; Masturbation Rates Immediately Drop 25%

Cable television channel FXX started a publicity stunt today where they are showing every episodes of “The Simpsons” in a marathon format. The marathon is to run without interruption until Labor Day and began at 10:30am this morning. The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow noticed a 25% drop in masturbatory acts […]

by August 22, 2014 8 comments Celebrity, Faith Graph, Trending
The cure for masturbation?

Report: Ice Bucket Challenge has Dropped Masturbation Rates by 30%

  The viral fundraising phenomena known as the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” is raising money for A.L.S. research and also lowering the rates that masturbators self-rape by 30%, according to a newly released study by The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. For those of you unfamiliar with the Ice Bucket Challenge, […]

by August 21, 2014 8 comments Science, Trending
B.L.U.F.F. Approves Lux Kebab Soap

B.L.U.F.F. Approves Lux Kebab Soap

Now on sale at the B.L.U.F.F. Commissary. Thanks, AD

by August 18, 2014 2 comments Trending
Worrying Rise Of ‘Masturbator On Masturbator’ Violent Crime

Worrying Rise Of ‘Masturbator On Masturbator’ Violent Crime

A new study from the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow reveals a startling increase of what experts are referring to as “masturbator on masturbator violent crime” or “MOMVC”. A MOMVC is a violent act committed by and/or against a known or alleged masturbator. In many cases, such as the one discussed in […]

by August 12, 2014 3 comments Trending
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