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“Supermoon” Caused By Masturbation?

“Supermoon” Caused By Masturbation?

Faith scientists have been working around the clock to get the word out that the recent “supermoon” is actually an anomaly to be feared. While mainstream sciLIEnce likes to describe the alleged “supermoon” as relatively harmless and “just” the closest the moon comes to Earth during its alleged orbit around Earth, […]

by August 11, 2014 13 comments Science, Trending
Teens Girls Using Steroids As Masturbation Enhancer

Teens Girls Using Steroids As Masturbation Enhancer

With it being “back to school” season, a terrifying new trend is making parents take notice. It has been a growing problem for high school athletes to use “performance enhancing drugs” to get an edge at various sports, however, now non-athletic masturbators are finding value in anabolic steroids. Young deviants, […]

by August 7, 2014 4 comments Gateway Drug, Trending
Irresponsible ‘Share’ Campaign Breeding Ground For Disease

Irresponsible ‘Share’ Campaign Breeding Ground For Disease

Sweet drink manufacturer, Coca-Cola, recently got the idea of promoting their product by getting people to “share” it with someone else. Sharing a drink, any drink, with someone infected with an illness is a really bad idea as you can get sick from this action. The sheer number of Worldwide Web […]

by August 4, 2014 7 comments Lifestyle, Trending
5 Greatest Non-Masturbators In History

5 Greatest Non-Masturbators In History

  WATERTOWN- CT (SMNNN) Throughout the ages, the scourge of self-rape sought to destroy all mankind held dear. Yet some great primitives in ancient times, avoided the plauge of masturbation, and rose above sullying themselves and instead stood tall, proud and self-shame free. Here is a list of the greatest […]

by August 4, 2014 19 comments History, Lonnie Childs, Morals, Trending
Photo Courtesy of Marvel Studios

Marvel Announces First Gay Supervillain for Upcoming Spiderman Movie

  Nerd fans of the beloved Spiderman movie franchise were treated to a surprise announcement at last week’s Comics-Con in San Diego. For the first time in Marvel history, the “KnobGobbler” will make a brief appearance and battle Peter Parker, better known as Spiderman. Marvel’s founder, Stanley Lee, said “The […]

by August 3, 2014 23 comments Celebrity, Morals, Trending
Karate for Perverts

Karate for Perverts

Masturbation is a same-sex sex-act that one performs on themselves. By doing so, you touch the sex organ of your own gender and become so aroused that you climax. This conditions the body and mind to become a gay. It’s like Karate for perverts. If you do identify as homosexual, […]

Top 5 Celebrities Who Have Died From Masturbation.

Top 5 Celebrities Who Have Died From Masturbation.

WATERTOWN CT- (SMNNN) Masturbation, or self-rape, as the sinful practice of self-sexual gratification is known, has long been a leading cause of death. Over the decades, Hollywood has had more than it’s fair share of auto-erotic-suicides. Here’s a list of the top five.   5)- Ernest Borgnine Mr Borgnine, star […]

Compound children showing the ropes to the new arrivals

Brother Lonnie’s Skin Bleaching Program Proving a Huge Success

Rejoice brothers and sisters! A moment of righteous vindication is upon us. After weeks of false accusations and liberal media criticism, Brother Lonnie’s Bleach Away The Sin therapy for children of dangerous minorities is exceeding all expectations! Hours after an incentive program was introduced guaranteeing certain benefits for the parents of enrolled children, the […]

A Jam Band Masturbation-orgy recruitment flyer.

“Jam Band”: A Rising Problem

      WATERTOWN CT (SMNNN) “ …every song the Grateful Dead wrote was about masturbation, Satan or fornication! Some lyrics: ” Born in the jungle, raised in the lions,den. Numba one occupation, stealin’ wimmens from dey mans.”- One of their songs TRANSLATION: I am a sub-human beastophile. My job […]

A History Lesson to the Masturbators

A History Lesson to the Masturbators

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Masturbation is a sin that breaks God’s heart. Thus, the true soldiers of God have always been at war with The Masturbator.  Professor Milton Grits explains how in the 20th Century the forces of  good came together and struck down the enemy masturbator like a lightning bolt […]

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