Malibu, CA – Former “Wheaties” cover girl, Bruce Jenner, is in the news today for crashing his SUV into other cars in Malibu. His children and step-children are elated that he is now driving like a woman now. Consistent with Bruce Jenner’s current transformation from Man to Woman, he was […]
(StopMasturbationNow)—Leader Lonnie Childs finished his speaking tour of the east coast last Thursday with a speech to hundreds of eager listeners in Bangor, Maine. As is typical for his final stop, Lonnie took some extra time to reflect on the trip to those in the audience. “Over the last few weeks I […]
(StopMasturbationNow)—Kanye West embarrassed himself again last night on the national stage by literally rushing the stage during the Grammy awards. In 2009 Kanye took to the stage to interrupt a teenage Taylor Swift while she was winning an award. He then went on to rant how it should have been […]
According to Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, honorary Normal skinned golfing sensation Tiger Woods is once again black thanks to the recent scandal regarding his rampant masturbation and sleeping with over a dozen chubby white women with self esteem issues. Tiger was made an honorary Normal due to his mastery of […]
SMN Ministries has teamed up with one of the Ministry’s primary sponsors, R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co., to assist with the first sex toy Buy Back program Ever! Whilst sex toys are often used by a woman to help pleasure her husband and strengthen their marriage, these toys sometimes fall into […]
HISTORY- (SMNN) Throughout the annuls of history, there have been great non-mastubators, such as Vlad Țepeș, prince of somewhere in Transylvania. In the 14th century, young Vlad was assaulted by Turks, and was violently masturbated upon by his assailants. Much of his family was killed or simply ran the heck […]
WARNING: Do not be tricked by certain internets meems. Some may appear to be spiritual and comforting, my dear friends in Christ through Brother Lonnie, but they are merely a ploy by Big Masturbation to promote self rape. Take this one, for instance. Note the nasty underbelly to this filth. […]
U.K. B.L.U.F.F BIOSCIENCE CAMPOUND (SMNN) A shocking statistic released by the U.K.B.L.U.F.F.B.C revealed the results of the extensive several pages of data collected by myself, and various other SMN Deacons and Elders, such as Cassidy Penn, show a direct link between Juggalo Gay Bowel Disease and chromosomal damage, resulting in […]
(StopMasturbationNow)—This Sunday is Super Bowl XLIX (49 for the uneducated). This year’s game pits Tom Brady and the New England Patriots against the defending Champion Seattle Mariners. The game will be broadcast live from University of Phoenix stadium in Phoenix AZ at 4:30 Mountain Standard Time. America loves football, and […]
![(image source: Detienne MC (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)](https://stopmasturbationnow.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/sincavestopper-174x131.jpg)
Brother Lonnie’s Anti-Masturbation Research and Development team has recently completed work on one of their most ambitious projects to date; a contraption that serves as a solution to the female masturbation problem. The new product, dubbed the “Sin Cave Stopper®” by Brother Lonnie, himself, has reached the final testing stages […]
