Anti-masturbation achieved a small victory recently when a pro-masturbation beer funded by Big Masturbation was removed from the shelves of a Chicago liquor store. The beer in question, “Happy Ending”, being marketed by SweetWater Brewing Company, features a label of man’s contorted face in the middle of an orgasm etched […]
<STOP MASTURBATION NOW!> Born December 18, 1886 in Rural Georgia only one generation after the war between the states, Tyrus Raymond “Ty” Cobb became one of baseball’s greatest players and a pioneer in the struggle against masturbation. Cobb is credited with setting over 90 baseball records with a hard nosed […]
Midway through its fourth season, popular NBC sitcom, ‘Seinfeld’, featured an episode called “The Contest” where the main characters all decided to see which one could refrain from masturbation the longest. At first the network was not pleased that the writers of the show had such a vulgar theme for […]
B.L.U.F.F. (Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts) has raised the overall self rape level to Orange-Imminent Threat of Self-Rape detected. The Facebook Rise of the Butthurt has published a series of “Bertstrips.” These crude cartoons pose an imminent threat of self rape! The following is official information from the B.L.U.F.F. […]
Big Masturbation has reportedly taken control of the “Days Inn” chain of budget hotels. An Instagram user discovered what they referred to as the “mosr (sic) accurate ‘do not disturb’ sign ever. All that’s missing is the furious and deeply shameful masturbation.” Traditionally, the “Do Not Disturb” sign has been used to alert […]
A miracle has occurred this week, as Stop Masturbation Now founder and American Hero, Lonnie Childs, has intervened to save the immortal soul of a parishioner known simply as ‘Thomas’. ‘Thomas’ was asleep in bed when a miracle sent by Lonnie Childs awakened him in order to alert ‘Thomas’ to […]
Anti-masturbation advocates received favorable news recently upon the announcement of a new doll that is designed to detect the presence of masturbators. The doll, called “Woody The Warning Worm”, was created by faith engineers to illuminate within 50 feet of a detected masturbator. Melvin Briggs, one of the many faith […]
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19-Year-Old Becky Hawkins of Pink Hill, North Carolina met the same fate that befalls 100% of all masturbators when she died committing the sin of self-rape in her shower. Masturbating in the shower is very popular, particularly with females. You can check this site if you don’t believe it, as […]
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CHAPEL HILL, N.C. A report, called the Wainstein report after U.S. Justice Department official Kenneth Wainstein who conducted the investigation, has found that over the course of two decades nearly 3100 University of North Carolina students were involved in academic dishonesty. More disturbing is the finding that over one half […]
