Spot a Masturbator

In-Depth Interview with Big Masturbation

In-Depth Interview with Big Masturbation

SECRET LOCATION- SOMEWHERE (SMNNN) We at Stop Masturbation Now are pleased to present this interview with an actual high-ranking official of Big Masturbation. Our own Professor Doctor Wizard Cardinal Thomas Kelly interviewed this “person” about the goals of the B.M movement. Thomas Kelly: Hello, welcome. Would you care to explain […]

Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

Los Angelos, CA- (SMNN) Actor Shia Labeouf, known for movies such as Even Stevens and Transformings 4: Rise of The Batman, told pretty much anyone who would listen, that he was a victim of self-rape at an art exhibition. During the exhibition, Labeouf wore a paper bag on his head […]

Pre-Coming Of The Apocalypse May Have Already Begun

Pre-Coming Of The Apocalypse May Have Already Begun

WATERBURY CT- (SMNNN) The End of Days maybe be upon us all, thus ringing in the beginning of the Rapture, and it all centers on one small city in the forgotten state of Connecticut. Waterbury CT, a small and once-cursed by Native Tee-Pee and Wigwam Indians to be an uninhabitable […]

Photo of the self-rapist stopped by Bruce Danus.

Diaries of a Masturbator Hunter

As a member of the Anti-masturbation neighborhood watch in my community, it is my duty to watch all the houses in our neighborhood for potential self-rapists. I am in charge(Self-promoted) of making sure that people keep their yards well groomed, conduct themselves in a civil manner in public, keep blacks […]

by November 11, 2014 27 comments Spot a Masturbator
Guys: How to Tell a Girl is Masturbating at You

Guys: How to Tell a Girl is Masturbating at You

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Female masturbation is one of the most disgusting things in the known universe. And it is well proven that masturbation is rape. But Guys… how can you tell if a girl you know or are dating is thinking of you as she plays with her sin cave? 1, She […]

by October 20, 2014 58 comments Spot a Masturbator
Inanimate Object Rape Intesifies as EbolAIDS Becomes Airborne

Inanimate Object Rape Intesifies as EbolAIDS Becomes Airborne

SEATTLE WA/ WALPOLE MA- (SMNNN) Faithscientists suspect EbolAIDS, the most dangerous masturbation-spread and homogayest of diseases, has possibly become airborne, as they predicted it would, following two cases of inanimate object rape, a sexual act so disgusting it would require one to be in the fatal stages of the Airborne […]

Amanda Bynes in 2006, before masturbation nearly destroyed her life.

Profile Of A Famous Masturbator: Amanda Bynes

The allure of Hollywood draws in the unholy from all walks of life. Brother Lonnie has made it clear in the past that no one is safe from the dangers of masturbation; including and especially the rich and famous. In many of these cases, the actor / singer / songwriter […]

Brother Lonnie Saves Flight From Terrorist Attack

Brother Lonnie Saves Flight From Terrorist Attack

In a scene straight out of a Hollywood script, Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs saved everyone aboard a Virgin Airlines flight to Los Angeles from a self-rape terrorist attack by notorious masturbater Doug Adams with the help of Jesus and his blunderbuss “Ol Tess”. Adams attempted to bring down the flight […]

The Self-Rape Salute: PresiDON’T Obama Disgraces His Office Yet Again

The Self-Rape Salute: PresiDON’T Obama Disgraces His Office Yet Again

Barack Hussein Obama, our first Muslim President, has disgraced the office of POTUS time and again during the six long years we’ve had to endure him. Bowing to foreign dignitaries, playing golf, wearing the wrong color, being the wrong color — there’s just nothing this arrogant, godless man won’t do […]

This unlucky woman had direct contact with MRFPs.

Hands-on Method to Detect Self-Rape

Hey there Normals of the faithful flock!  Do you fear handshakes in public because masturbators with their spooge-covered hands are all around us?  Are you tired of constantly doing moisture checks on your SRAS to make sure she’s not spelunking in her sin cave?  Worried that there might be MRFPs […]

by September 23, 2014 6 comments Self-Rape Prevention, Spot a Masturbator
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