Self-Rape Prevention

Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross:  Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross: Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan? Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you […]

by July 17, 2015 804 comments Morals, Self-Rape Prevention
The Cold Shower:  Nature’s Remedy For A Self-Raping Son, Daughter or Spouse.

The Cold Shower: Nature’s Remedy For A Self-Raping Son, Daughter or Spouse.

  Have you ever caught your own child wrestling Satan’s grasp on their genitals? Have you come home to a moaning spouse, watching an episode of “Three’s Company?” What do you do in this situation? Sure you may spank the gay out of your kids, or discipline your spouse with […]

by June 30, 2015 27 comments Self-Rape Prevention
The Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™

The Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™

SMNNN- (B.L.U.F.F PRODUCT RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT) Hello Faithfriends, Chosen Normals and Pledged Self-Chastes, and our allies! Today we are pleased to present the answer to all your portable anti-masturbation needs, the newly unveiled Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™, the collapsible restraint system designed by the same people who designed the Anti-Masturbation Cross […]

by June 28, 2015 22 comments B.L.U.F.F., Premier, Science, Self-Rape Prevention
Can Smoking Help Prevent Masturbation?

Can Smoking Help Prevent Masturbation?

(Stop Masturbation Now)— Smoking has gotten an unfair bad reputation recently. The truth is that smoking can reduce masturbation desires up to 50%. When one smokes two things happen. One, the hands are busy and therefore do not wander to the sin regions of the body. Second, the after effects […]

by April 19, 2015 25 comments Morals, Science, Self-Rape Prevention
Lonnie Childs Demands Mandatory Penile Monitoring For All Masturbators

Lonnie Childs Demands Mandatory Penile Monitoring For All Masturbators

We at Stop Masturbation Now have been following the progress of Tina’s Law as it spreads across the United States. Brother Lonnie Childs, in His infinite wisdom, has made “penile monitoring” mandatory for all convicted and suspected male violators of the groundbreaking Anti-Masturbation law. Penile monitoring or, penile plethysmography, is […]

by April 10, 2015 7 comments Self-Rape Prevention
MASTURBATION ALERT! Bert Strips Pose a Clear and Present Self-Rape Threat

MASTURBATION ALERT! Bert Strips Pose a Clear and Present Self-Rape Threat

B.L.U.F.F. (Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts) has raised the overall self rape level to Orange-Imminent Threat of Self-Rape detected. The Facebook Rise of the Butthurt has published a series of “Bertstrips.” These crude cartoons pose an imminent threat of self rape! The following is official information from the B.L.U.F.F. […]

by March 23, 2015 6 comments Self-Rape Prevention
Heels and Yoga Pants: a new Most Deadly Masturbation Temptation

Heels and Yoga Pants: a new Most Deadly Masturbation Temptation

(StopMasturbationNOW)—In the beginning it was the evil female that first tempted MAN into the forbidden fruit that was masturbation. Well women never stopped. The latest female temptation is combining heels with the yoga pants. Yoga pants or heels were bad enough by themselves, however combined they create a almost ruthless […]

How to Catch your Teenage Babysitter Masturbating

How to Catch your Teenage Babysitter Masturbating

(StopMasturbationNOW)—One of the major trials for parents is trusting your house and child to a young stranger.  Whether it be Bible study, PTA meetings, or an evening on the town, many parents need to hire a teenage female to be a substitute parent for an evening. Unfortunately that babysitter may […]

For the Masturbator

For the Masturbator

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by March 16, 2015 11 comments Self-Rape Prevention
Repeat this affirmation daily and be at peace my Brothers and Sisters.

Miracle: Lonnie’s Celestial Intervention Prevents Parishioner From Self-Raping!

A miracle has occurred this week, as Stop Masturbation Now founder and American Hero, Lonnie Childs, has intervened to save the immortal soul of a parishioner known simply as ‘Thomas’. ‘Thomas’ was asleep in bed when a miracle sent by Lonnie Childs awakened him in order to alert ‘Thomas’ to […]

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