Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to […]
I recently had the pleasure of watching the anti-masturbation documentary film Edward Scissorhands on the HBO. It must drive liberal Hollywood crazy that a moral film such as this has become such a massive hit! The creators of this uplifting, moral movie deserve to be recognized. Sleazy Hollywood would never bestow any […]
SMN Safford, AZ-A new waste of film depicting violence and masturbation mob activity has been released by Hollywood. “Black Mass,” starring Johnny Deep is the latest screed garnering a code red rating for excessive self-rape imagery and immoral content by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), […]
For immediate release: “My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour. The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and […]
By now you’ve probably already seen the news that former sandwich icon, Jared Fogle, of the famed Subway fast food chain is about to plead guilty to allegations that he possessed illegal child pornography. Prior to this revelation, Fogle had been mum about his level of guilt in the Jared […]
Emo rocker Lenny Kravitz recently embarrassed himself in public by way of a “wardrobe malfunction” while on stage performing to a live audience. The alleged “malfunction” occurred when Kravitz’s pants supposedly “exploded”; causing his unremarkable, rubbery genitalia to flop in time with the spastic motions his body was making to […]
BEDFORD NY-Veteran actor/comedian Chevy Chase, 71, has been arrested and charged with aggravated felching by Bedford Police after allegedly getting down on his knees and forcing an oral purge of his juices from an unidentified fornication partner. According to a statement released by the Westchester County sheriff’s office, Chase, whose […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)—Americas motto has been to give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Nowhere did we ever ask masturbators to come here. Actually its exactly the opposite. Last week Mexican mariachi star Ariana Grande launched her own terror attack at America when she went into […]
Beloved comedian, actor, producer, philanthropist and all-around good guy; Bill Cosby, has been accused by a former actress of forcible Self-Rape. Tamika Jones claims that during the 1980s, she compulsively tuned-in to PBS’s broadcast of “Picture Page” and would masturbate while America’s Male-Sweetheart would draw pictures and tell stories. Miss […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)— Jimmy Fallon won’t be taping “The Tonight Show” on Friday due to a hand injury, an NBC spokesman told TheWrap. Although the network will be airing a repeat while Fallon recovers, the spokesman assured that the comedian is fine, otherwise. An individual with knowledge of the situation confirmed reports […]
