Morals

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW! The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who […]

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to […]

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by […]

Won’t You Please Help?

Won’t You Please Help?

For immediate release: “My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and […]

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

  Have you ever dreamed of participating in a mass-wedding ceremony performed by your favorite alternative religious leader?  What about joining, in holy matrimony, with four of your same-race assigned spouses at the same time?  If so, you will be glad to know that SMN Ministries has the Annual “4-Points […]

Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross:  Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross: Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan? Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you […]

by July 17, 2015 812 comments Morals, Self-Rape Prevention
A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

  Ever since the Oriental race was first domesticated by man, the female of the species has proven herself an excellent companion to her male better, attending to his needs for a negligible fee and enduring psychological and bodily torments Western women have long since spurned, though it is their biblical duty […]

Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

SMNNN (WASHINGTON D.C.) Weather.com reports rain and thunderstorms in the Washington D.C. today, following the landmark decision by the Supreme Court to recognize gay homosex marriage and queerosexual unions, and to disobey the Lord and his holy wishes, ultimately ushering in the Rapture, signifying the beginning of the end of […]

Do Redheads Raise Masturbation Rates?

Do Redheads Raise Masturbation Rates?

(StopMasturbationNOW)—One central theme constantly comes up on our masturbation hotline. “I need help! I saw a redheaded girl today and I’m having trouble not masturbating.” But what makes it true, is it the uniqueness that drives men crazy, is it the pale and therefore more attractive skin? Or is it […]

by June 18, 2015 20 comments Morals
Forced Masturbation of the Handicapped is a Real Thing (Video Proof)

Forced Masturbation of the Handicapped is a Real Thing (Video Proof)

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation is a top ten cause of disease and also destroys American Family Values. Almost as much as making people gay liberals love to make people masturbate, whether it be television shows like Modern Family or movies like the Avengers, masturbation is everywhere. Usually its the innocent that make the worst victims […]

by June 2, 2015 6 comments Morals, Politics
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